Discovering the Good Part One Woman's Story

Judy Kifer, 36-year Campus Crusade staff member, shared suggestions with us she and her husband, Frank, learned in Washington, D.C. Judy says they learned by observing, testing, and making numerous mistakes in their own entertaining.

It seems that from the minute we were assigned to work in Washington, D.C., we were thrust into the social/entertainment world of the diplomatic community and official Washington. The ability to entertain in our home was an unspoken expectation similar to a new bride being expected to know how to cook!

Not only did I feel a bit insecure, but I came to know diplomats' wives that cringed at that requirement. However, I also came to know other wives who thrived on it. Some diplomatic dinners we were invited to were catastrophes and others were memorable and fun.

Almost all of the social occasions were in home situations, from huge receptions to small intimate dinner parties. I felt like such a novice when it came to opening my home.

You are invited to relax and enjoy reading her story as though you are observing Judy and her own unique style. It is not intended to be an exact formula to follow; it is intended to inspire you and cause you to think of ways that you can be you in the context of your home as a place of outreach.

Bethany: Extending Hospitality to Jesus

Bethany was a small village situated on the eastern slopes of the Mount of Olives, about two miles from Jerusalem. It was in a home in this tiny town that Jesus was often a welcomed guest. This was the home of Martha, her sister Mary, and their brother Lazarus. It was here that Jesus received the hospitality of devoted friends. It became a place of endearment for Jesus, a home that ministered to His needs. This home is one of the few places where Jesus allowed Himself to be refreshed by others. It seems He often frequented this home. It was in this home that He stayed right before He headed for the painful experience of Jerusalem and His crucifixion. It is also interesting that it was on the hills of this tiny village of Bethany that Jesus chose to spend His last precious minutes on earth, before He left his followers to ascend into heaven.

The simple warmth of a home can serve as a unique instrument for reaching out to others. To invite another into our home can be a statement of acceptance and an opportunity to serve. An invitation to our home holds greater possibilities of a personal encounter with another than even a rendezvous at a favorite restaurant. Our home can offer a quiet refuge and a safe environment for a guest to relax, to feel comfortable, and possibly to open his or her heart.

I have often wondered why Jesus enjoyed coming to this particular home, for He had been a dinner guest in many other homes. In this Bethany home, He obviously must have been able to rest, relax, and feel acceptance. He knew His presence was valued as special and significant. These three friends enjoyed having Him in their home. They must have had long conversations into the night, sharing from the heart and focusing on one another.

A Place for Bonding

Somehow there is a special bonding with individuals, after they have eaten at our table and shared our home. Here is a means of ministry for us that can involve both a husband and a wife. It can also serve as a role model for our children. They are exposed to interesting individuals and can watch their parents sharing Christ in an everyday setting. Having guests in the home can serve as a wonderful enhancement to a husband's ministry to students, faculty or staff, as well as a natural means of expanding a wife's outreach on campus. This is especially helpful for a mother who still has an active home with young children.

Having guests offers a couple an opportunity to share in a common ministry. A husband can enhance his Christian ministry to a colleague by inviting him or her and the spouse to his home for an evening meal. Here is a unique opportunity to expose a fellow professor and spouse or a group of students to a possible new experience of a Christian couple interacting in the context of a Christian home. To have a professor show a personal interest in his students is bound to make a deep impression on young adults and, no doubt, other professors are hungry for personal relationships. Your interest in them as a couple is bound to make them curious as to what motivates your reaching out to them.

A relaxed home lends itself to sharing personal values and beliefs. Students respect the knowledge and teaching in the classroom and they will undoubtedly carry that same respect over to what you might share about your faith in Christ. The more relaxed and confident you are in graciously sharing Christ as natural opportunities present themselves, the more the privacy of your home becomes a safe place for students or colleagues. This atmosphere allows them to share more of themselves, their questions and maybe their own quest for God.

Having guests in the home also provides an opportunity for a husband to get his wife's valued opinion of their guests and how to best reach them for Christ. The key to sharing Christ with a colleague might be through the professor's spouse or their concern for their children. Entertaining is a fun opportunity to work together as a husband/wife team, enhancing each other's strengths, and praying together for a common goal.

"Martha, Martha . . ."

The secret to hospitality is the enjoyment of it. Enjoyment comes with being comfortable and familiar with the art of entertaining. Enjoyment also comes when we can be confident in how to entertain. The result of this confidence is that we are then able to focus on our guest and not be nervous about our performance.

Keep in mind as you anticipate the arrival of your guests that they have undoubtedly accepted your invitation as an opportunity to be with you. The refreshing drink, the tasty meal and the delightful dessert are really incidental. The variety of foods that you choose to serve are simply the trimmings that add to the evening. Your guests are coming to your home foremost to interact with you.

Before your guests arrive, determine that your objective is to honor them. The focus of the evening is on them! Observe what once happened when Jesus visited the home in Bethany:

Now as they were traveling along, He entered a certain village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. And she had a sister called Mary, who . . . was listening to the Lord's word, seated at His feet. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; as she came up to Him, she said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the service alone? Then tell her to help me!" But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only a few things are necessary, really only one, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

(Luke 10:38-42)

The problem was not that Martha was preparing a nice meal for Jesus, but perhaps she had become fretful in overdoing how elaborate the meal was. Jesus would have preferred that Martha would have fixed something simple and, instead, spent that time with Him. Mary had chosen the "good part," focusing her energies and attention on Him. Unknowingly, Martha was allowing precious minutes to slip by with her fussing in the kitchen. She wanted to do her very best in serving her special Guest, but what she missed was what He really wanted. He wanted time with her. He desired her undivided attention on Him. . . the good part.

Martha's sister, Mary, had chosenthe good part. In no way would Jesus take that good part away from Mary. "Oh Martha, Martha . . . you are worried about so many (incidental) things." He could have easily said, "Martha, I came here to be with you. You will honor Me most by your undistracted presence with Me."

Work Now—Relax Later

Simplicity and planning could have made it easier for Martha to have laid aside her frantic preparations, as her Guest waited for her in the other room. What Martha might have given to have known about a microwave! The more advance preparation we can manage before that doorbell rings, the easier will be our serving time. Plan your meal so you can prepare your entree or dessert a day or so ahead of time. Often food tastes better when it has time to set up; spices are more distinct and ingredients are blended better with time. The assurance that most of your preparation is behind you is a marvelous confidence builder. Have the salad already on the table, the ice in the glasses and the entree only needing to be heated in the microwave or oven.

Do not get in a rut of thinking that to entertain guests you must always serve some expensive dish. Often a chicken casserole can get as many raves as a sirloin steak. You can bring out your best china, but it is not necessary. Everyday pottery with a small flower arrangement or a simple center piece of candles can do much to make guests feel special.

A messy kitchen has a way of unsettling anyone's peace of mind and causing chaos. Attempt to have your pots and pans and cooking utensils washed and put away, even before your guests arrive. A clean counter provides lots of space to place empty plates when your meal is over. The messiest part of clean up is behind you and you feel ahead of yourself. Should your guest wander into your kitchen, your work place will not resemble a chaotic war zone, but rather a place of quiet and security—your quietness and security!

Knock, Knock

Your guests have arrived. Now what? There is often chatty conversation as they enter the front door. Offer to take their coats, placing them in a predetermined place such as a bedroom or a closet with adequate space and hangers. This small detail gives the guests the feeling that you are prepared for their arrival. The next important step is for you or your husband to take the lead in directing them to where you want them to go.

"Let's go on into the family room/living room."

You might point to the sofa or chair. Guests may be uncertain where to sit, knowing that often a host has a favorite chair. Give them permission to sit in certain spots.

"Why don't you try that chair. It is really comfortable."

As a hostess, you should follow your host and guests into the room and sit with them for the first few minutes. Allow a short interlude of chatting and then offer them a choice of something to drink. Offer them specifics. "I have iced tea, root beer, ginger ale or water. Sue, what would you like?" Sometimes holding on to a drink gives guests a certain security. You may discover that they only sip at their drink, but it gives them something to hold on to, something to do with their hands.

After your guests have their drinks, you can feel free to excuse yourself to finish up in the kitchen. However, do your best not to leave your guests unattended. If you need your husband to carve the meat, you sit down with your guests, while he excuses himself to the kitchen. This also gives them an opportunity to have you all to themselves for a short while.

Do not be shy about involving your children with your entertaining. This can serve as a confidence builder for your children and often a child has an amazing way of disarming and relaxing guests.

If your husband needs to grill out back, he can easily invite the husband to join him. Then you can have choice time alone with his wife. If your husband is going to grill, encourage him to have the meat prepared ahead of time with the marinade or sauce ready to grill.

"Dinner is Served!"

Your meal is now ready and on the table. No doubt your husband and guests are deep in conversation in another room. Have a pre-arranged clue such as quietly walking into the room and standing beside your husband. He should take this as a hint from you that the meal is ready. Wait until there is a small break in the conversation and then announce that you would like them to come to the table. "Why don't you come. Our dinner is ready!" Once you offer your invitation, you lead your guests to the table, then you show each guest where you want him or her to sit. This seat assigning gives guests a sense of security, instead of the momentary uncertainty that might come from simply saying, "You all just sit wherever you want." It is customary to honor a male guest by placing him to the right of the hostess and to honor the woman guest by placing her to the right of the host.

Saying grace can be an awkward time, for some guests who have never been exposed to it, but your husband could casually say, "It is a custom in our home before each meal to give thanks to God for our food." If you are comfortable with the idea, he could add, "As a family we like to do this by holding hands with each other," and then offer his hands to those sitting beside him. Often this warmth of human touch can serve to break down a reserve with guests. The prayer should be brief. Thank God for the guests by name and ask His blessing on them and their family. Avoid any temptation to "preach." With some guests, this may be a new experience of hearing an unstructured prayer. Often they are touched that you should actually pray for them by name.

When to start eating can also be an unspoken moment of hesitation. As soon as you, the hostess, are served, place your fork on your plate and give a verbal signal to your guests for permission to commence eating such as "Bon Appetite" or "Do enjoy your meal."

Do not mention a faux pas such as if your guest ignores the intended salad bowl and piles the salad on his plate instead, or if she accidentally drops her food, or similar situations. That includes any mistakes made by you or your husband as well.

A nice custom is to serve your dessert later in the evening. After the meal invite your guests to retire to the living room.

"Let's move to more comfortable chairs in the living room. Would you prefer coffee or tea?"

Then excuse yourself to slip into the kitchen to prepare the coffee. If you do have china, use it now to serve your dessert. There is nothing that makes a hot cup of coffee or tea taste better than drinking it from a china cup. Save the mugs for breakfast.

If your guest offers to help you in the kitchen, you decide if you want any help. If a guest in the kitchen will be a distraction to you, you can say,

"Thank you, but tonight I want you to just relax and be served. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Or, you might say,

"Well, why don't you come sit at my kitchen table and talk to me while I get the coffee ready."

Serving dessert can be made easier by placing the cups and the sweets on a tray before carrying it all to your guests who are now seated in the living room or family room. From the tray, gently place each dessert and coffee on the coffee table in front of each guest. Invite them to serve themselves cream or sugar to their liking.

After-dinner coffee and dessert creates another chapter in your evening. It is now your opportunity to sit back and enjoy your guests to the full. Now comes "the good part."

The Good Part

It is fascinating to me to observe the description of Mary as she listened to Jesus.

. . . and she [Martha] had a sister called Mary, who . . . was listening to the Lord's word, seated at His feet.

(Luke 10:39)

It is obvious that Mary was totally enthralled with Jesus. Her body language of sitting at His feet shows the intensity of her interest in Him and what He had to say. Surely she carried away with her some treasured memories that she gleaned from His words of wisdom that day. He referred to her focused attention on Him as "the good part."

Cultivating the Good Part

Listening is one of the most precious gifts you can give another, for so few people genuinely focus on others. Voltaire wrote, "The road to the heart is the ear." Your body language often measures the intensity and sincerity of your interest. If you look another person directly in the eye as he speaks, you will be amazed at how quickly he responds to the compliment. Dan Rather, the anchor newsman for CBS, once commented on Ruth Graham, the wife of Billy Graham, after observing her at the White House on several occasions:

She was quiet, gentle, observant. As a professional observer myself, maybe I recognize that. She was watching people, watching events. Listening very carefully. She was not one of these people whose mind is elsewhere. And if she's talking to you, she's talking to you—she's not looking past you. You may only have her for a few seconds, but you've got her attention and she's listening to what you're saying." {1}

Keeping the Spotlight Focused

From the moment the doorbell rings until the conclusion of the evening determine to keep the focal point on your guests.The following suggestions can help keep the conversation focused on them.

1. As you attempt to steer the conversation keep the spotlight on them. Attempt to draw them out with your prepared questions. If the conversation wanders, bring it back to them and their concerns.
2. Give some forethought to those you have invited to share your home. Who are your guests? What do you know about them including their backgrounds, preferences, tastes, interest, needs, dreams and hurts. Use these as questions for the evening. Use what you do know or don't know to ask questions.
3. As a couple, pretend you are playing doubles in tennis with each of you taking turns serving and returning in the conversation. One teammate does not dominate the court in a doubles' tennis match. Deferring to one another during the evening is a live demonstration to your guest of who you are as a couple. Set each other up for a comment, "Frank, tell them about the time. . ."
4. Resist the temptation to correct each other or your guest, both of which can create an uncomfortable situation. Who cares about the exact date!
5. If your guest is single, ask about certain safe areas first :
   Where was he raised?
   Where did she live the first eight years of her life?
   What did his dad do? Siblings?
   Schooling? How did she choose that major?
   Career? How did he choose that job?
   Dreams? Friends? Hobbies?
6. If your guests are a couple, ask how they met, courted, and married. Keep asking questions to draw out more information. Use their name, showing genuine enthusiasm and interest. Complete the conversation loop with appropriate comments and acknowledgments:
   "That is amazing . . ."
   "That must have been difficult for you . . ."
   "I am sure that was confusing . . ."
   "I bet that hurt . . ."
7. If one guest is more talkative and tends to dominate, as a host or hostess purposefully direct questions to the less talkative one to draw her/him out and make her/him feel significant. If the more talkative spouse tends to take the topic away, later on graciously bring the conversation back to the interrupted partner.
   "Now as you were saying . . ."
   "Please continue what you were saying about . . ."
   "I'm really fascinated . . . do finish what you were saying . . ."

An Evening Not Soon Forgotten

With the spotlight continually focused on your guests, they will in time be convinced of your genuine interest in them. Undoubtedly they will, in turn, want to learn from you. This will often lead to your being sensitive to the right moment to share from your heart with them. Pray that God will use you for who you are and how He has made you, with your unique talents, interests and temperament. Relax, be sensitive and then watch as He gently opens a natural opportunity to share about Him.

The following suggestions are possibilities of how you might share Christ with your guest(s):

• Briefly share in two or three minutes how you came to know Christ personally.
• Ask if you could show them the little booklet, Would You Like to Know God Personally?{2} that has helped you explain how to know God in a more personal way.
• Tell them about the Jesus{3} video and how it is the most widely viewed video ever.

  

• If they have questions, offer them the book, More Than a Carpenter.{4}

As your evening comes to an end, when you have sought to share the love and joy of Jesus Christ, your guests will undoubtedly consider this unique time with you and your family as an evening not soon forgotten. It will be remembered as an experience when they were made to feel significant and they were privileged to learn the secret of the vitality of your Christian home. Perhaps they will leave your home with a taste of the good part—a new relationship with Jesus Christ.

Endnotes

{1}Patricia Daniels Cornwall, A Time for Remembering, the Story of Ruth Bell Graham, Harper & Row, p. 9.

{2}Bill Bright, Would You Like to Know God Personally, NewLife Publications, 1988.

{3}Jesus video, this video is available in many languages through New Life Resources, 304 Divident Drive, Peachtree City, GA 30269, Telephone: (404) 631-9916.

{4}Josh McDowell, More Than a Carpenter, Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1977.

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