Stonewall Revisted

I degenerated into a steady diet of hard-core porno movies. Conviction ate at me like a cancer, But I couldn't quit. I gripped the phone harder, hardly believing it was my wife at the other end.

"Fine," I jeered. "Then you can listen to me blow my brains out." I pulled out my off-duty revolver, spun the cylinder around and clicked it in place, right next to the earpiece. Then I pointed it at my head.

"Don't do it, Steve," I heard her yell. I hesitated, then put down the gun. Somehow, it didn't really seem to matter whether I lived or died. Life seemed so meaningless.

I think my problems started when I was small. My dad was an alcoholic and he emotionally abused me.

"You're never going to amount to anything," he'd often say to me. I was crushed. My mother was a sweet Christian woman who took me to church. But as I got older, I began to hate it and refused to go anymore.

I craved attention and did all kinds of daring things, just to get people to notice me. I started taking drugs at 14, and became totally rebellious against authority-especially teachers and cops.

During the tenth grade, I had so many three-day suspensions that the principal finally sent me to a continuation school. I quickly became one of the ringleaders there. We ran that school; the authorities didn't dare mess with us. We smoked marijuana in class, and even grew it in the teacher's plant boxes.

I took LSD over 100 times during the next year. Then I started shooting up heroin. Burglarizing homes and businesses paid for my habit. I was arrested several times.

My next big discovery was girls. Soon my virginity was gone, and I was seducing girls, one after another. It was my way of yelling out to the world, "See what a great man I am!"

At 16, I was doing juvenile time. One day, another guy there told me, "I've become a Christian."

Oh great, he's got religion, I thought.

"It's really neat, Steve," he said. "I accepted the Lord Jesus as my Savior."

"Oh yeah, I know," I replied. "I went forward in the Baptist church. I went up and got baptized. I'm covered, man!"

"But it's not like that," he told me. "To believe in Jesus means to follow Him and commit your life to Him. You're going to hell if you die."

I didn't like that idea, so I agreed to go with him to a meeting. Afterwards, I went forward and accepted Christ.

For awhile, there was a difference in my life. I stopped some of my wild behavior, but I was trying to change through my own strength and self-will. I obeyed the Christian rules, but I didn't have a healthy relationships with God. Prayer and Bible study seemed dull. I was just treading water spiritually, trying to stay afloat.

My biggest problem was pornography. It started with "girlie" magazines, and soon degenerated into a steady diet of hard-core porno movies. The resulting conviction I felt ate at me like a cancer. But I couldn't quit. Porn gave me a high and I craved it every day, just like some people crave alcohol or drugs.

I entered my 20's and sex became my whole lifestyle. I watched lewd movies whenever possible, and seduced as many women as I could. I'd act the perfect gentleman and get a woman to fall in love with me. As soon as she really cared, I'd dump her for the next one. I went through dozens of relationships that way.

I didn't feel worthy of love. And I certainly couldn't give love-I didn't even know what it was. All the sexual activities never satisfied me for long, either. There was an empty spot inside that I was trying to fill.

I lived for a time with one gal, and we eventually got married. We moved to Los Angeles and I was hired on as a Deputy Sheriff. I became increasingly cold, cynical, and judgmental.

Both on and off the job, I got deeper into immorality. Even as a married man, I couldn't stop seducing other women. I even got involved in homosexual activities in bookstores, just for the sexual release as I watched dirty movies.

Finally, my sexual obsession took its toll, and my wife left me. "I can always get more women," I told myself, and began juggling three girlfriends at one time. I tried hard not to think about my failed marriage.

Like the prodigal son, I was down in the pigpen, wallowing in the filth of this world. All I could think of was how to use other people, especially women.

One morning, I woke up really missing my wife and feeling sick of my sin. What in the world am I doing? I thought. I'm getting nowhere.

That night at work, I knelt down and gave my life over to the Lord again. It was no dramatic thing, just a quiet realization that it was right. I called up my girlfriends and broke off the relationships. The next day, my wife Kathy happened to call.

"I've turned my life over to God," I told her excitedly. She'd been trying to serve the Lord all during our marriage, so she agreed to come back to me. We spent that night together and had a wonderful time of restoration.

Kathy also told me about this guy she'd met after she left me. Tim seemed the perfect Christian. He was always happy and helped her forget the misery I'd caused. She began to wonder if God wanted her to marry him. But after several weeks, she found herself praying for me. She knew we belonged together.

The next day, Kathy went over to the house where she'd been staying to collect her things. As soon as she left, I started worrying.

I should have gone with her, I thought. Several hours went by, and I was frantic. I sensed something was terribly wrong. I started pleading with God to bring her back. It got so bad that I was lying on the carpet, grinding my teeth and crying out to God. I've never been in such agony. I was overpowered by despair.

Somehow I knew Kathy was in deep trouble, and I was right. When she went to get her clothes, Tim was waiting for her. They talked for hours, and he convinced her to leave me. When she phoned to tell me, I put the gun to my head and threatened to pull the trigger.

As I was putting the gun down, Tim whispered to my wife, "If Steve wants to kill himself, let him do it. It's not your fault."

Right then, Kathy knew she was in the wrong place. She managed to eventually get away and finally came back. It was six hours since I'd seen her. I can't explain why, but that six hours broke me. I was a changed man.

I'd always felt so unlovable, and couldn't accept love from others. But now I saw that God really did love me. All the hatred that earned me the name "maniac" as a cop was gone. It was a new beginning for Kathy and I, even though we both had a lot of hurts and problems to work through.

The biggest issue for me was pornography. After a brief respite, the compulsions came back. I was unprepared, and found myself right back into my old habits. I loved God and begged Him to heal me, but felt powerless.

I would repeatedly repent and resolve never to fall again, only to find myself overwhelmed with temptation. I listened intently to ministers, talked to counselors and read Christian books. Nothing seemed to help.

Then I discovered a book on sexual addiction. It described my life perfectly. The understanding I gained was my first step down the road to freedom.

I learned that no-one was to blame for where my life was at-except me. I had chosen my sinful actions, and I had to choose to quit. I knew I didn't have the strength in my flesh to stop, and that's when I learned the power of God's Word. I began really studying the Bible every day. When I started off with a quality time of Bible study, my whole personality was different that day. I found that the best protection against a lustful thought was Scripture I had committed to memory. When Satan tempted me, I used the Word of God against the temptation.

There were times of failure. But I didn't let myself get condemned and discouraged. I picked myself right up again and went on. It wasn't long before I could look back and see that I had come a long ways. I was beginning to have hope.

I learned to be truthful with others, especially my wife. There is great healing in confession. Being open helped my resolution to change. My secret double life was over.

Over time, I no longer even felt vulnerable to the temptations I used to indulge in. Looking back over the years since my conversion, I can see that God has truly set me free.

I once held a gun to my head and didn't care if I lived or died. Now God has given me a purpose in life. I can't praise Him enough for all His love and goodness!

Copyright (C) 1988 Bob Davies. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250

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