From Darkness to A Life Beyond Imagination

By Ron Elmore

My soul delights to praise Him who has called me out of the darkness of homosexuality into His marvelous light.

My father died of cancer three months after I was born. Within two years of his death creditors auctioned most of his assets, and our family home was destroyed by a fire. With nine mouths to feed and no husband, Mother had to place us in an orphanage. Before my twin brother and I were six years old, she began preparing us for the transition into the Children's Home that my older siblings had already made. Yet this was not what I wanted. I wanted her! Even as she painted a picture of playmates and close brotherhood, I began to be filled with fear of her absence.

Arriving at the Home, my brother and I were incorporated with the younger boys and forbidden to enter the area which housed our older brothers. Child care at the Home was regimented and strict. Discipline came to me through anyone who was older than I was. I heard only criticism and questioning. I began to have nightmares. I dreamed of calling out to my Mom, frustrated that she could not find me. I could hear her calling my name. But I could not respond to her. (Unknown to anyone, I had already been sexually abused several times by a male family friend.)

I hurt from the abandonment of my Mom, the rejection of my brothers and others, and the ongoing sexual abuse that had become a pattern in my life. Being molested by older boys, summer camp counselors, and even pastors reinforced the confusion and pain. I struggled terribly because the very people who were to be my protectors abused me. There seemed to be this shameful, overpowering force pulling me into inappropriate relationships with other boys. My boundaries of physical touch had been broken and sexualized at an early age. I did not understand boundaries or what was happening to me physically.

At fifteen, I felt a strong calling to the ministry. I sought and received permission to share publicly in the campus church about my life with Christ. The Lord used that evening. Children of all ages came and filled the altar in surrender to His call. But Satan came to me and spoke a lie: "If anyone knew what you have been doing with other boys, no one would ever allow you to stand in a pulpit and tell others about Jesus Christ. Who do you think you are?" Running in shame and condemnation, I fled out the back door of the choir room, hid in the garden and vowed, "I will never stand in front of anyone again to tell them about Jesus." At that moment, I attempted to reject Christ.

When I left the orphanage in March of 1975, I was hurting and sexually confused. At first I stayed with my mother while I finished my junior year of high-school. At the end of that year, my sister and her pastor persuaded me to move to a Christian college in Virginia to finish high school and perhaps take some college courses.

During summer break, I walked blindly into a gay club at the beach. With the blaring disco songs of a popular vocalist, I began a very long journey in the homosexual lifestyle.

I believed I had finally found male acceptance through homosexual contact.

Shortly afterwards, I joined the Air Force at the urging of my mother. Becoming more and more ambivalent to God, I found my place in the gay nightclubs near the city where I lived. For two years, everything was great with an over abundance of everything I thought I wanted. Then I endured two abusive long term relationships. Each relationship brought me deeper into the homosexual subculture. During those years of involvement I developed a deep suspicion of others mixed with anger and lust. I spiraled deeper and deeper into drugs, alcohol, and pornography. In my anxiety, I frequented the bars, homosexual establishments and adult bookstores. Even as the cavern in my soul grew bigger my Spirit testified to me that I was in rebellion.

In 1987, a co-worker who knew I was an active homosexual and could tell I had been using drugs, confronted me. "Ron," he said, "you need to go back to where your joy is." I remembered how Jesus had come to me as a little boy and met my needs. I heard clearly from the Holy Spirit, "Ron, if you stay where you are, you will die. But if you come back, I will give you life and I will give you life abundantly. You will be loved and cared for. Your greatest desire will be met."

God blessed my mother and I with a year of reconciliation before her death in 1988. From 1987 to 1990 the Lord dealt with me about my drugs and my alcohol, but not my homosexuality. On June 21, 1990, sitting alone in my living room, thumbing through God's Word, I opened it up to I Corinthians 6:11 "and such were some of you." No one ever told me I could be free from this. But, Jesus did! He came to me right there at home and through His Word said, "I can heal you, I can set you free."

My walk away from homosexuality was slow but progressive. During the first two years I cried so much, spread out on the floor, I thought grass would grow in my carpet.

But the tears washed my soul. Accepting God's freedom in my life helped me to make different choices. I got rid of almost everything that reminded me of a past sexual partner, place or event. If I could not bring myself to remove the item, I would put it away so I would not see it. Even clothes, music and friends changed.

During this time, the Lord showed me how badly His church needs education on how to minister to people with homosexual struggles. I went to the pastor of the church I had been attending to seek support. He responded, "Pray about it, forget about it and don't talk about it." He could not look beyond my faults to my underlying need. Shortly afterwards, my Bible study group, rejected me after inquiring about my past. In my feelings of rejection, hurt and anger about the lack of support, I choose to return to the lifestyle for a short season.

During this season of rebellion, God taught me a lot about His grace and my lack of obedience. I learned how to be proactive in my prayer life. Whenever I would get tired or sleepy during my devotions, I would get up and move around. Several times I decided the best place to have my devotions was in a closet. A real one! When trying to memorize scripture, I would imagine seeing it painted above my doorpost or window sills. When ever unhealthy thoughts or pictures would come into my mind, the Holy Spirit would help me release them to Jesus. Sometimes dreams, trips, events, places or images would come to me like TV footage. I had to rebuke them in the name of Christ and give them to Him. He takes whatever we give!

The first man I met who believed that Jesus could free me from homosexuality was a Director of an Exodus Ministry. In an initial meeting with him, I angrily asked, "Can Jesus heal me from homosexuality?" When he responded "Yes". I asked, "How do you know?" His response, "because He has healed me", melted my anger into tears. One week later, I meet fifteen other men who were on the same journey and within a month, I met a large number of men and women at my first Exodus Conference seeking the same kind of freedom I was. This ministry was the olive branch I needed to stay faithful.

Within a year of my first Exodus Conference I applied and was accepted to Love in Action. The Lord showed me that I needed a safe place to walk through my relational issues. It was in the LIA program that I became very aware of my sinful nature.

For me, LIA redeemed group living, opened my eyes to see emotional entanglement as sin and helped me define healthy boundaries. God used my season at LIA to redeem my trust of others, especially care givers or authority figures. I became aware of how my actions had hurt others.

A struggle that I walked through at LIA centered around Romans 7:18, "I know hat I am rotten through and through as far as my old sinful nature is concerned..." I believed I deserved better than what God was saying. Out of pity and pride I lashed out at others exclaiming that life had been unfair that I was not rotten. Jesus, out of His love, showed me grace and mercy as I struggled with the holiness if God.

My life was in fact out of control. With thanksgiving I now realize, how my leaders at LIA committed to walk with me and with their hearts they helped me to learn to "sit in it" without running. God had a plan and Love In Action helped me to prepare for it.

The transformation in my life since 1990 has been unmistakable. Drugs, alcohol, pornography and homosexuality are no longer a part of my life.

At one time my thoughts were consumed with darkness. Now I wake up in the morning singing and now know because of the blood of Jesus I can take authority over my sin nature which used to so easily beset me.

He has redeemed the call he gave me at age fourteen to share the good news of redemption. I answered his call to minister to those who struggle with homosexuality and other sexual addictions in May 1996 by starting a ministry named Beyond Imagination in Raleigh, North Carolina.

God has always given more than I could imagine. In 1996 He provided exceedingly abundantly above what I could ever think or imagine (Ephesians 3:20) by bringing me a very special woman. Ann Marie and I were married one year later on June 28. My story of his healing and redemptive power is still being lived out. I have tasted that the Lord, He is good!

Ron and his wife Ann Marie live in North Carolina. Ron continues as the Director of "Beyond Imagination Ministries."

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