Stonewall Revisted

You're a total failure as a parent, I told myself. Although I knew it wasn't true, I felt like the only mother who had ever dealt with this problem.

It all began with a letter I found which Kent had written. My husband and I confronted him, and he admitted that he was homosexually involved.

Although I managed to tell Kent that we loved him no matter what, something died inside me. The image of who I believed my son to be was changed forever. All hope for my life being worthwhile seemed to vanish because of this overwhelming problem in our family.

You're a total failure as a parent, I told myself. Society's view of homosexuality made me feel like a second-class person. Although I knew it wasn't true, I felt like the only mother who had ever dealt with this problem.

I was greatly concerned about Kent's future. He was a bright young man. To me, it seemed he was throwing his whole future away because of his homosexual involvement.

In a way, it was not a total shock to hear this news about my son. I had sensed something wrong since he was a child, and lived with a secret fear since his pre-school days. I always hoped he would "grow out" of what I now know was a satanically-inspired identity confusion.

Growing up, Kent was often isolated and lonely. Over the years, we consulted with his teachers, his pediatrician, our family doctor and our pastors, but none of them seemed to know what could be done. God showed me later on the pain that Kent had been going through, due to being rejected by his peers. It hurts to know he didn't even feel he could share his problem with us, his parents.

When this bombshell of Kent's homosexual involvement hit our family, I was working full-time outside the home. Our younger son was having great difficulties during his senior year in high school, using some drugs and generally living in a manner not pleasing to us. So, even though I was deeply saddened by Kent's news, I simply could not deal with it. Emotionally, I wrapped this situation up in a neat package and marked it, "To be Dealt with Later." I already had enough other problems to handle.

I became a robot, doing each day what I had to do. Putting one foot in front of the other, I hoped somehow to get through this horrible time of emotional paralysis. I knew I was still alive, as I would intermittently feel the pain of disappointment and grief over all our family problems.

I'd sit at my typewriter at work, hoping no one would see the tears squeezing out the corners of my eyes. I didn't want anyone else to know about our son's situation. I felt if I ever let go and really wept, I'd never be able to stop.

A few months later, a lot of changes came at once. I quit my job of thirteen years. We moved from the house we'd lived in for eighteen years to a remote area, our younger son graduated from high school and left home, and the dear old family dog died.

The relationship between my husband, Bernie, and I had been deteriorating over the years. I was very immature and my husband was often very non-communicative. All these long-standing problems caused great conflict in our home and I'm sure also affected our children.

With these latest developments, I'd reached the end of my rope. Bernie felt we had to accept the news about our son and go on, but I simply couldn't do that. I never rejected Kent, but I could not accept what he was doing as God's will for his life.

I really didn't know for sure what the Bible said about homosexuality and even looked for a loophole, but never found one. However, my search did get me into God's Word. Although I didn't know it then, that was the beginning of my healing. God found me when I was on the bottom of a pit of deep depression. I had nowhere to look but up. The Lord had been there all along, but now He finally had my undivided attention.

I had gone through a whole grief process: shock, denial, disbelief. This just can't be happening to our family, I thought. I vacillated between panic and mourning; I spent days on end doing nothing but crying. The Bible says God puts our tears in His bottle (Psalm 56:8) and I think He collected some barrels full of mine.

I didn't want to see anyone. In my depression and isolation, I had monumental "pity parties" where no one else came but me. I felt a great deal of guilt and shame. I also bargained with God, "If You will just get my son back on track, I'll go to Africa or China! I'll never sin again!" How I ever thought I could fulfill any of these promises, I don't know-I could barely function at the time! Baking a batch of cookies was too monumental a job for me to even think about. This was very uncharacteristic of me, because I had been a very capable person most of my life.

I totally lost my appetite. If it hadn't been for Lipton Tomato Cup O' Soup, I think I would have starved to death. I had tremors and didn't get a full night's sleep for over a year. I was almost "dead" from the standpoint of any interest in sex personally, only thinking about what our son was doing whenever the issue of my own sexual relationship with my husband came up.

One day I'd be afraid I was going to die; the next day, I'd pray that I would. I finally had to be hospitalized, but after many tests the decision was that there was nothing physically wrong with me.

My husband, Bernie, realized he had a basket case on his hands, but he didn't know what to do. He was trying to deal with his own grief and he knew he couldn't fall apart, too. I finally talked him into going with me to see a psychologist for counseling about all our family problems. I got in touch with the anger and resentment I had suppressed over the years. But the psychologist really couldn't cure what ailed me.

One day when I was mourning, I saw the "I Found It" campaign on television. I committed my life to Jesus, praying for Him to forgive all my sins and take charge of my life. I knew He couldn't do any worse than I already had. I came to realize that He could bring about resurrection life for me. I found out that He even forgives parents who have goofed.

I later asked Jesus to baptize me in the Holy Spirit. His power began manifesting in my life, healing my broken heart. I learned who I was in Christ Jesus. As I submitted myself to God and resisted the devil, he had to flee (James 4:7). I forgave others I had resented, not by my feelings, but by a choice of my will. Over a period of time, Jesus also healed the feelings.

Best of all, I was able to receive forgiveness for myself from my heavenly Father. I began to realize that Christianity isn't Churchianity-it isn't even religion, but relationship with God.

One tool that really helped me was to put meaningful Scripture verses on tape, leaving space in between for me to repeat them back. This became my spiritual "breakfast" as I was doing my morning chores.

Another tool God used which was a help and blessing for both my husband and me was a support group at The King's Ministries [now "His New Creations"]. We met young people who had been set free from homosexuality by the power of God. They loved us and gave us hope.

My husband accepted Jesus Christ, and our marriage began to improve with Jesus at the center. Bernie is now my best friend, second only to Jesus. Over a period of time, our relationship with both our sons also got better. I was able to put them on God's altar, as He convinced me that He had a much better plan for their lives than I did. Any changes in them would have to be brought about through God.

The Bible gave me some very important promises to hang onto, such as Proverbs 11:21 in the Living Bible: "And you can also be very sure that God will rescue the children of the godly." Another Scripture which gives me hope is Acts 16:31, "Believe in the Lord and you will be saved-you and your household." Kent is in the household of my heart and God has given me real hope for our son.

My theology is simple: every single moment of every day, we are either setting ourselves in agreement with God and His Word, or we are setting ourselves in agreement with the devil. Our younger son has committed his life to the Lord and we know that God is also in the process of rescuing our older son. I've fully committed them both to God and I'm at peace.

Mary was on the Exodus board of directors from 1982-1985. She has taught classes for parents at past Exodus conferences. Distributed by: Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250

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