Stonewall Revisted

"When Michael admitted he was gay, I was disappointed...I knew absolutely nothing about homosexuality. But I knew the right thing to do was demonstrate a little love."

Les: No. I was only 19 years old and my wife was 18 when we married. We were high school sweethearts; she got pregnant, and we had to get married. So Michael wasn't an expected child.

In those early years, I resented being married. I felt trapped, and I took my frustrations out on Michael. One time I'd been working all night, and I had to baby-sit while my wife worked during the day. Michael was crying, and I was tired.

"I hate you," I yelled at him. "I wish you were never born!" Inside, I was thinking that he was too young to remember what I said. But now I know Michael was damaged by my hatred.

LIA: Michael, what do you recall of your early years? Michael: I don't remember Dad being around until my younger sister was born when I was six. I think Dad became more responsible after that. We began doing things together as a family, like going camping on the weekends.

About the age of ten, I became aware of attractions towards male teachers, but I didn't really grasp what it all meant.

LIA: When did you start acting on your homosexual feelings? Michael: My first homosexual experience occurred with another boy when I was 13. At the time I just thought it was a phase. But the affirmation and attention drew me like a magnet, and I went back for more.

I had sex with this friend for several years. Then he moved to San Francisco to get involved in the gay lifestyle. I was jealous. That's what I'd like to do, I thought.

I had numerous girlfriends during high school, and kept my homosexual feelings carefully hidden from my family and friends. But the dual life really bothered me; it ate me up inside.

LIA: Les, what were you doing during this time?

Les: I spent a lot of time chasing career goals. The whole focus of my life was material things.

"I'm really doing this for the family," I'd tell myself. Now I see that I was trying to meet my own ego needs. All I cared about was myself.

I never gave Michael much personal attention. He was my kid, and I loved him. But I never thought any more about it.

Michael: Because Dad was so focussed on his career, I think Mom and I both had a lot of unmet emotional needs. I always felt responsible for her, making sure she felt good. After my parents divorced when I was 15, I felt even more responsible for Mom.

LIA: What happened after the divorce?

Michael: My sister and I stayed with Mom, and Dad moved about ten miles away. So we saw Dad about once a week. We'd usually go to dinner or a movie, but we didn't have a lot to talk about.

Within about a year, Mom and Dad had both remarried. My stepfather and I had a lot of jealousy towards one another, so I lived with Dad and his wife for about a year. I was in 11th grade and into the drug scene. Dad seemed more peaceful. We still weren't intimate, but I felt comfortable living there.

LIA: How did your Dad find out about your homosexuality?

Michael: As soon as I reached 18, I started going to the gay bars in San Francisco. I met a guy and we decided to live together. By that time, I'd decided I was born gay and it was useless to fight it any longer.

The night before I moved out, I sat Dad and his wife down and told them about my homosexuality. To my surprise, Dad walked over and gave me a hug. "I still love you," he said.

"This doesn't change the way I feel about you."

Les: When Michael admitted he was gay, I was disappointed, as any father would be. I had hoped for traditional things for him, that he would get married and have a family.

At that point, I knew absolutely nothing about homosexuality. But I knew the right thing to do was demonstrate a little love. I could see that Michael was really hurting. I thought to myself, I'll just have to deal with this myself later.

About a year afterwards, in the spring of 1981, I became a Christian. My immediate burden was for Michael. I was never really too concerned about his lifestyle; I was more worried for his soul. I knew if he got saved, the Lord could deliver him. So I started witnessing to him.

LIA: Michael, how did you react?

Michael: I thought Dad had turned into a Jesus freak. When we'd have dinner together, he'd always pray-even at McDonald's. I hated it.

But over a period of time, I saw changes in my father's life. He got softer, more humble and patient. But I still didn't want any part of Dad's beliefs. Finally I told him, "I'm not coming around anymore if you won't quit talking about Jesus."

LIA: Les, how did you respond to that?

Les: I went away and prayed: "OK, Lord, I'm turning Michael over to You. Do whatever it takes to bring him to Yourself, even if that means death."

Then I stood back and waited. I let Michael know I'd be there whenever he needed me-day or night. One day I heard about Love In Action on the radio. I ordered some literature and saved it for the day Michael would be receptive.

LIA: Michael, how did God bring you to Himself?

Michael: Several years passed. I was 23 years old, pursuing the gay lifestyle, and had everything that was supposed to make me happy. But I still felt a big void in my life.

Then on Easter Sunday in 1985, my whole family went to church together. That afternoon, my grandmother was kidding me. "Michael, you'd sure make a nice Christian boy someday." And I said, "Yeah, I know."

Then she asked, "Well, what about right now?" I thought, I'm ready. I've tried everything else, and my life is a mess. So I prayed to receive Christ that afternoon. The following Sunday, I started going to my Dad's church.

I lived with a Christian roommate from church for about a year, and began building relationships with the guys at church. I really loved it; for the first time I was experiencing intimacy without sex.

LIA: How did you end up attending our support group? Michael: Before I became a Christian, Dad had shared with me about Love In Action. I told him he was crazy. "Once someone is gay, they'll always be gay," I explained.

Then after I got saved, he mentioned the ministry again. As a Christian, I believed homosexuality was wrong, but I didn't really believe it could change.

I read the LIA literature, but never followed up on it. I sometimes struggled with attractions to other men, but my needs seemed to be getting met through my relationships at church.

However, after a couple of years, I felt a need to talk about my homosexual feelings. They weren't going away. So I contacted Love In Action and started going to the meetings regularly in August, 1987.

LIA: How did God heal your relationship with your father? Michael: Mainly because of financial reasons, I had moved back home in 1986 to live with Dad. Right about then his second wife was leaving him and he was pretty depressed.

Dad was a good spiritual influence on me; he was so steadfast in going to church, in prayer and in reading the Word. He talked about the Lord all the time. Our living situation also kept me accountable; I knew Dad was aware of what was happening in my life.

Dad also needed a friend. He was so lonely. Whenever I'd come home, he'd want me to sit down and talk. For the first time, we began to relate as peers. We could pray together. Dad had hurts and needs, and was vulnerable about his feelings. He was a different person than I'd known in the past.

We lived together for the next three years, which enabled me to build a relationship with my father that I'd never had before.

Les: During those three years, we made up for time we never spent together earlier in Michael's life. It's never too late to spend time together, sharing thoughts and feelings and also affection.

Hugging still isn't an easy thing for me, but the Lord showed me that fathers and sons need to show that affirmation. Michael never had a father who hugged him, and he looked for that later on through homosexual relationships.

LIA: Les, do you struggle with guilt?

Les: I know that I had a role to play in Michael's problems. I didn't provide him with a good role model, with caring and loving intimacy, the touching and nurturing he needed. I do feel regret but not guilt. I've given it up to the Lord.

I know the mistakes I've made, but you can't go back and undo the past. God wants us to turn that burden over to Him. He replaces that guilt with His peace. The Lord has taken our mistakes and caused them to work for good.

God is using Michael to bring healing to other men, and we now have a great relationship. He's one of the most important people in my life. I'm very proud to be his father. Distributed by: Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250

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