Stonewall Revisted

During college, I tried several times to "go straight." But I could not control my desires for other women. Finally I concluded that I was born gay and just needed to accept it.

"We were at your grandmother's this afternoon and your friend, Judy, stopped by," Mom began. "She took me and your aunt upstairs and told us about you and Barbara." Everything became a blur in my ears as I felt hatred for Judy rising in my soul. My friend-a betrayer!

Then Mom ordered me to pack up everything Barbara had ever given me and mail it all back to her. "I don't want you talking to her or seeing her ever again. Do you hear me?" I nodded dumbly as tears of fire burned my cheeks and spilled into my lap. I felt like someone was cutting my heart out as I stood by and watched.

Hatred seethed inside. I hated Judy. I hated my parents. I hated all Christians. Hypocrites! Deceivers! And I especially hated God. This was all His fault anyway. He made me gay, or so I thought.

I thought back on my childhood. My family environment had been a mixture of chaos and order, tension and peace, fear and love. Then, at age 17, I had my first homosexual experience through a close friendship with a woman three years older than myself. We played on the same softball team, and this woman seemed to adopt me, filling my every need as a close, caring, mother-like, encouraging friend.

When our friendship turned sexual, I struggled to ignore feelings of guilt and confusion. Our secret love became the center of my life, although we attended separate colleges that fall. My every thought focused on this relationship, and it felt as essential to my happiness as breathing was to sustaining life.

Then, one October evening, I sat on the steps of a church with a woman who told me about the salvation offered through Jesus Christ. "Karen", she told me, "Christ died for you. He loves you very much." At my friend's prodding, I feebly uttered the words, "Lord Jesus, come into my heart, and save me a sinner." "I'm so glad, Karen," she exclaimed afterward. "Now you are a Christian!"

Inside, I was confused. Under pressure, I had confessed my "faith". But faith in what? I wondered. I didn't know. My friend didn't say anything about becoming a new creature in Christ or abstaining from sin.

In spite of my uncertainty, in the coming weeks I diligently studied the Bible, honestly seeking the truth from the Scriptures. While reading, I came to a horrifying realization: Because of my lifestyle, I was out of God's will and subject to His wrath, whether I liked it or not. My heart pounded as I read such verses as Romans 1:26, "For even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature...burned in their lust one toward another...knowing the judgement of God...

". I confided to my Christian friend that I was gay. Unfortunately, she became curious about the entire situation, and soon we were sexually involved. I began adopting a more masculine appearance, and soon was involved with a very feminine, experienced gay woman who drew me even deeper into lesbianism.

That summer, my parents discovered my lesbian involvement and confronted me. During the next three years of college, I went through every form of hatred and rebellion that I could find. I met many gay women, and fell in and out of bed with most of them. I began smoking and heavy drinking.

I also experienced almost every type of emotional low that existed. Even though I'd read God's Word that my lifestyle was wrong, I didn't care. I tried several times to "go straight", but found that I could not control my desires for other women. I was born gay; I just needed to adjust and forget about the nagging lack of peace in my life.

During my last semester of college, I met an older woman who lured me into a relationship. We were partners for almost eight years. Although it began as a wonderful companionship, our relationship became a web of emotional insecurity and intense inner pain for me.

My sensitivity was destroyed and replaced with a hard core as I rejected my prior friends and my own personal interests. I discontinued writing, composing music, and participation in my sports. These were replaced by activities that pleased her. Our friends were really "her" friends. She worked to alienate me from members of my family, causing me to become very critical of them.

By the time I escaped from this prison, I had become an emotional wreck. In my rebellion I decided that God should be "She", and applauded the idea of rewriting the Bible with no gender references. I became sexually involved with women already in other relationships, and I spent much time in deep depression.

In my search for answers, I began to search in a multitude of churches for something to eliminate my insecurities. Nothing seemed to help my growing need for peace. I met another woman who became my lover for the next four years. But, although I was financially secure and felt love from my friend, something was still missing. I was extremely restless and terrified of dying.

In February 1980, I began to read my Bible once again. I secretly listened to Christian radio shows, particularly those that discussed homosexuality. I began to attend church in March. My lover encouraged me to do whatever I needed to do to grow, as she witnessed my retreat into solitude.

Then I met Sharon, a woman at work who was a Christian. Her zeal for God seemed to govern her actions in a way I did not understand. She was patient, caring, and always took time to listen to others. I watched her for a number of weeks, and slowly built enough confidence to ask her a question about knowing God's will.

Sharon discreetly answered my question, without drawing any attention to the situation. Over a period of time, I became comfortable asking her other questions about God when no one else was around. She would quietly and wisely provide a brief answer.

Sharon won my trust, and one day I told her that I'd like to talk with her. Maybe she can help me with my lack of peace, I thought. Over lunch, I told her my deepest fears. "I'm gay, and I know if I die, I'm going to hell, and that I cannot be saved."

Sharon responded by listening to my heartaches. By the end of the conversation, she had let me know that God did care about me, and that He could save me. She did not preach to me or condemn me.

At my suggestion, we met again for dinner the following Saturday. I had more questions about God and what He might be able to do for me. Sharon shared some Scriptures, especially those describing the Gospel in 1 Cor. 15. She helped me to see that I needed to repent from my sins, and continue seeking God. "He will give you the strength to overcome your sins," she told me, explaining that faith in Jesus Christ and obedience to His Word were the keys to my being saved and set free from sin. As I obeyed Him and was filled with His Spirit, I would have the power to overcome sin.

Not long afterward, I began attending Sharon's church. As I hurried to the altar that night, I could feel the barriers around my heart being torn down. The tears came in a flood. That night, I was baptized. As I came up out of the water, I felt cleaner than I'd ever been in my life. The next day, I quit smoking cigarettes and cussing. I wrote in my journal, "I want my own room and I don't want to share my bed with anyone anymore". It was as though my own will had died and a new will was transplanted in its place.

That week, my roommate was gone on a week long trip. When she returned, she read my journal while I was not at home, then rearranged the house. I had my own room. My new desires were becoming a reality!

I remained at the house for another month, then moved in with a family from church. Being with mature women offered good role models. And being in the presence of men in these surroundings helped me to begin relating to men in a positive way. I could observe godly family interaction firsthand.

I quit playing on my all-lesbian softball team and removed myself from their social support. It was time to separate myself from the old environment.

I spent much time studying the Bible. Using it as a mirror, I discovered much about myself. My relationship with the Lord grew and Jesus became my friend and companion as I learned more about Him.

During this period, as my desires were being transformed toward God, I began to change outwardly. I gave away all my manly looking attire, all the material things that pertained to my previous lifestyle, and anything else that did not seem to "fit" me any longer.

I traded my blue jeans for dresses, and my softball glove for a Bible. I even began to feel comfortable as a woman in my inner being; no longer did I believe that God had made me a homosexual.

The power of the Gospel was alive in my life, freeing me and genuinely creating a new creature in Christ Jesus. As the Bible says, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Cor. 5:17). Being filled with the Spirit of God has been one of the most remarkable experiences of my life. As a result of much prayer, the Lord revealed the wounded areas concerning my family relationships. With the Lord's help, these areas began to heal-one step at a time. God has continued to use Sharon, a Christian wife and mother, to provide a close, healthy friendship for me, helping me to overcome some of the dysfunction and effects of sin in my life. About five years ago, a pro-gay organization gave a class at a local college that was advertised on the radio and in newspapers. I was appalled, and decided to create literature to distribute outside of the classroom. I rented a post office box where people could write to me and named my outreach "Freedom". Since then, as opportunities have arisen, I have continued to witness to others about how God has delivered me from the lesbian lifestyle.

Through my own life, I can tell women, "God called me out of the darkness of an eighteen year life in homosexuality. He can also deliver you." Now I've been freed from the burdens of sin for over thirteen years, and I am being healed from the scars created by it. I've found freedom through the power of Jesus Christ.

Karen Dyer is the director of "Freedom" ministry in Denver, which includes teaching, counseling, and support groups. Copyright (C) 1991, 1993 Freedom. Distributed by Love in Action P.O. Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250

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