Stonewall Revisted

Leaving a gay relationship was just the first step in finding real freedom from my past.

I had already come to acknowledge that Jesus was my Savior and that the Bible was exciting to read, but still my life was completely tied to the homosexual lifestyle. The words I heard that night were not audible, but they were absolutely clear to me. God had just given me the hope I needed to face two of the most difficult years of my life.

Those next two years were filled with relational bankruptcy and lost hope. By this time in my life, I was quite aware of my salvation but did not really understand what God had to say about homosexuality. I thought that a homosexual relationship with another Christian would work, but no matter how hard I tried, I still had a deep emptiness in my heart that no man could fill. I was fearing the most dreaded thing of all: being alone.

On Valentine's week in 1984, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Instead of red roses and romance, I began moving away from a three-year relationship. The true Lover of my soul was asking me to make a choice. I could either choose to go to a Christian singles' retreat weekend which was quite threatening to my lover, or continue in the patterns of relational and sexual addiction.

A new church that I had found offered something I had never seen before. For the first time in my life, I was relating to men who seemed to be loving, sensitive, physically and emotionally affirming, all in a non- sexual context. The singles' retreat offered something for me that I had looked for all my life: A social environment with others my age that was reflective of my Christian faith. I had been raised in a Catholic home where my father was clearly sold out to God but I could not seem to find a place for myself where I felt I really belonged. I gave up "religion" when I married my first wife, thinking I could now make it on my own.

How would I fit in at the retreat? I wondered anxiously. Fear of all fears, I have to share a hotel room with three other guys. What if they knew that I was coming away from a homosexual relationship? During my first night in a double bed with one of them, I felt like a mummy wrapped up in a bundle of insecurities. I did not sleep a wink for fear that I might bump into him in my sleep.

But God was incredibly gracious with me that weekend. I had never experienced so much encouragement and excitement without the guilt of sin in my life. However, after the retreat, things got a little rocky and I felt compelled to call my old lover again. As I had done many times in the past, I manipulated him into coming over to my house. Then I fell into my old pattern and we had a sexual encounter that night.

What would I do now? I had just violated my new life. How would my new pastors respond if I told them about my struggles with homosexuality? I made an appointment with Dennis, the singles' pastor. Sitting in his office I told him the whole truth without mincing any words. I was testing him with my story.

Pastor Dennis looked at me with compassion and made one statement that still stands out to me. "John, you're right. Homosexuality is wrong." He read a biblical passage from Romans, then told me he'd stand beside me and work with me to help me see my way clear of this sin. There was no judgment, no fear, just commitment. That was all I needed at the time. I wanted so much to be accepted in this strange and mysterious world of "straight" men. His words felt like life-giving water to my parched, thirsty soul.

After that conversation with Dennis, I never fell into homosexual acts again. Within a few weeks, I found a small group of church friends who loved me and wanted me in their lives. Finally I had found the place of belonging I wanted. Clark, Debbie, Dawna, George and others quickly became my life-support system. I told them about my homosexuality and they were stunned at first. But they all stood with me just like my pastor. No one rejected me due to my struggles.

God knew I needed a purpose for being in the singles' group so He inspired my pastor to ask me to serve the ministry by leading the weekly singles' meetings. After that I became involved as the coordinator of the entire Thursday night ministry. God was giving me a purpose. I had value and gifts and others could gain from my experience.

My friend Clark became a vessel God used to bring about a tremendous amount of healing. We would spend one night each week just talking. Clark was committed to me; he was not afraid of my past or current struggles. He would confide in me about his own past. Clark could talk about anything. He was confident in his masculinity so my homosexual issues did not threaten him.

Hour after hour, God would soak me with relationships. George and I spent time together. George was interested in knowing me. He would ask questions and dig into my life, causing me to process my feelings and thoughts that had built up over the years.

Debbie, Dawna, and other women were my sisters in the Lord. They liked me and wanted me around. I was not ridiculed or teased like I had earlier in my life. This little group of friends became a source of healing for me.

All was not perfect. I would still go to church and get angry, feeling that I could not seek prayer at the altar for my homosexual desires. I would not dare to talk about this subject up front. I don't know where that feeling came from, because I had never been rejected by anyone in our church over this issue. But for some reason, the enemy had a stronghold on my desire to seek prayer over this issue with people in the church who were unknown to me.

Although I had now attained sexual abstinence, I realized that I did not look forward to a life of celibacy. I wanted to find a special person with whom I could spend my life. I wanted to try marriage again, this time the right way. God was now in my life to show me how and what to do to live out my vision of life-long companionship. A godly marriage was a hope for my future.

After dating several women, one gal began paying special attention to me. Vileen would come to my house to watch me mow the lawn. How romantic! I finally saw her "mating call" and began to get to knew her better. I invited her to spend an evening with me and my two girls (from my first marriage). It went very well and so did our first months of dating. We were growing very close.

All of a sudden, bam! An emotionally-paralyzing wall dropped between us. Oh, boy, not again, I thought. I'm hurting someone all over again. I didn't expect this as a Christian. I thought my life was all right now. I told Vileen that I needed help. I had a barrier that scared me and was causing me to shut down with her.

Meanwhile, I met another man who confessed his homosexual struggle. He was not in victory but stumbling often. What would I tell him? I had no answers, other than my own experience. I had now been free from same-sex immorality for almost two years, but did not know anyone else who had come from this background. I had not heard one testimony of freedom from homosexuality.

I finally found out about ex-gay ministries through the national radio show, "Focus on the Family." I wrote to Love In Action, seeking advice on what to tell this other man. They responded with an invitation to come to their ministry and serve in their live-in program. I saw this as God's direct answer to my unspoken desires and dreams. I could find out more about my barriers with Vileen and get some answers for other men needing help. I was so excited, as I had been praying for a full- time ministry since becoming a Christian. God was so faithful to give me a place in His kingdom where I could be of value.

During my season with Love In Action, the road has been nothing but uphill. I have realized the real roots of my struggle, broken down many fears and anxieties about life, and gotten married to Vileen.

Marriage. What a whole new project with the Lord! Upon getting married in 1988, I found another chapter of healing that I needed to read. Being in such a close relationship with a woman brought up all my opposite-sex issues. I had pretty much resolved my same-sex issues but these other issues were not something I expected.

"Misogyny." What was that? I found out very quickly that it meant "a fear or hatred of women." The hurts, rejections, and difficulties of past relationships with women came to a head with my new wife. Soon I realized that I was feeling a deep anger toward her that I didn't understand. My critical heart toward her was unfounded in anything she had done. She was kind, considerate, loving. She really was not doing anything wrong to merit my response. Where was all this coming from?

At a conference for healing past hurts, I found anger and pain in me stemming from my experiences as a two-year-old child. At that age, I spent one year away from my parents due to some family struggles. As a little child I felt so much hate and pain because I perceived that I had been abandoned by my parents. My new home was loving and caring, but where were my mom and dad? My deep anger began a life of disappointments with relationships, especially those involving women.

After so much "spiritual surgery" in the area of same-sex issues, God was finally able to get down to this deeper root. My wife and I realized where my anger originated.

Healing from the causes of homosexuality takes time. A relational difficulty needs a relational solution. The people God has used in my life are too numerous to count. Success, failure, disappointments are all part of the necessary struggles to find a deeper resolution of my homosexual struggles.

Where am I today? I have a loving, committed marriage. I have a restored relationship with my parents. I feel of great value to the Lord and to His work. I have a sense of belonging, personhood and relationship with others. I am not totally healed from homosexuality. It is part of my emotional, physical and spiritual history. It will not be erased as though it did not exist. I still struggle at times, envying a guy who is better looking than I am. I still shut down with my wife at times. I periodically have sexual thoughts regarding men.

What is victory? In my opinion, victory is being able to partake of the fruit of the land that God offers in obedience to His Word. I no longer see homosexuality as an option or desire for my life. I want nothing to do with it. I embrace my God-given relationships too much to destroy them. I embrace my wife and marriage too much to lose it to some momentary empty pleasure. I have developed a cherished relationship with God that I want nothing to destroy.

There is hope, victory, and true love in Christ. *

John Smid has been director of Love In Action since 1990. Copyright © 1994 by John Smid. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307

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