Stonewall Revisted

I learned the pro-gay theology and became very adept at defending my lifestyle. No one would have guessed that, only a few years before, I'd been a married deacon in an evangelical church.

My mother's warning attracted me to the forbidden theaters. At first the anonymous sex frightened me, but I enjoyed being held and touched.

Although my family went to a good Presbyterian church, I didn't have a personal relationship with the Lord. By my early teens, God seemed totally irrelevant and I dropped out of church. At the age of 15, I discovered a group called "Gay Sexual Freedom" in an underground Los Angeles newspaper. I could pass for a 21 year old, so I joined the group and soon began having ongoing relationships with older homosexual men. I began identifying with the gay subculture. All the attention made me feel like I was getting all the things I'd been looking for while growing up.

I kept my homosexual life carefully hidden at high school by joining the most popular fraternity and going steady with an attractive girl. On weekends, my family thought I was going "out with the guys" from school, and my jock friends thought I was sneaking off to Hollywood to find women. I had everyone fooled.

Then I started dating Ann, a beautiful young Christian girl. For several months, she confronted me with the Gospel, so finally I told her about my homosexuality.

"That's no problem," she told me. "You still need to be born again like anybody else." In the following weeks, I came under intense conviction. Finally one day I went to a park across from my school and began talking to God.

"Lord, if You're really there, I'm ready. I'll give all of this to You...if You'll have me."

I entered into a personal relationship with God, and it was a glorious experience. Soon I was a typical "Jesus Freak," toting around a big Bible. The Jesus revolution was sweeping through southern California, and hundreds of us young kids were being saved. It was a wonderful time in my life!

I began attending Ann's church-Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa, Calif., and got excellent Bible teaching from Pastor Chuck Smith. I had no trouble giving up homosexual activities. Although I still preferred men sexually, I figured those feelings would disappear in time.

Then, about a year later, a friend invited me to another Bible study. "You've got to hear this guy named Brad (not his real name)," he told me. "He's really dynamite." My friend was right. I was very impressed with Brad's gifted teaching and kept going back for more.

Soon our home Bible study had grown to several hundred young people and we moved into a church building. I became a deacon in Brad's new church, and the services kept growing until attendance soared over 1,000 people. We started regular television shows, and did large services all around the state of California. I married Brad's secretary, Carol, and went full-time into the ministry. The year was 1972, and I'd been saved less than two years. Everything took place so fast that I hardly knew what was happening.

My life centered around the ministry. Although I loved Carol and we had a normal sex life, our marriage was empty. All we ever did was minister, minister, minister.

By 1976, Brad's ministry had gotten too big and slick, and I decided to get out. I started working a secular job and became very disappointed when God didn't open up another ministry position right away.

As my bitterness increased, all the old homosexual feelings began to return. I started falling in love with guys at work, and one night, on a whim, I went into an adult bookstore. Soon I was right back into the old lifestyle.

At first Carol had no idea what I was up to, but soon she must have guessed. I started smoking and staying out late. Then I sensed something was wrong with her, as she'd come home with booze on her breath and neither one of us supposedly drank. We never confronted one another, but finally I took her out for dinner. "Carol," I calmly told her during the meal, "I really wonder if you might be happier on your own."

She thought about it for a few minutes. "Yeah, I think I would be."

Inside, I was desperately hoping that she'd ask, "Joe, what's going on? What on earth is happening?" But she didn't, and I pretended to be cool.

"Yes," I said calmly, "I think separation would be best for both of us." Within two weeks, Carol was gone, and we later divorced. My whole life had totally fallen apart in three months.

Within a week, I was hanging out at a gay bar in Long Beach. Inside I was furious at God. I've got the right to do what I want with my life, I fumed. I'm gay and that's all there is to it!

Soon I got into a sexual relationship with the bar owner. I idolized Dan. I'd go to the bar and sit through his shift. After the bar closed, we'd get together for a few hours, then I'd go home.

After a few hours' sleep, I'd get up and drag myself off to work. I always hoped we'd end up living together, but Dan was living with another lover, and he didn't want to break off that relationship. Needless to say, it was a sick situation. One night I told Dan about my ministry background, and he took me to visit the local pro-gay Metropolitan Community Church in Long Beach.

This place is a theological mess, I thought when I first heard their rationalization of homosexual behavior. But I was so hardened that I soon bought into their deception.

When I began to pray and read the Word again, I felt God's presence. Lord, I thought, You can be in my life, I'll stay homosexual, and we'll all get along just fine.

By the end of 1979, I was on M.C.C. staff. As a student minister, I played the piano at services, and took courses on counseling, theology and church history.

I learned the pro-gay theology and became very adept at articulating it. I often represented our church at university psychology classes. During this time, I went through a succession of lovers, including a yearlong relationship with one of the church pastors.

I honestly believed the pro-gay arguments. But if I hadn't hardened my heart, I would have known better when I first became involved in that church. And even though I believe that God was still in my life during that time, my fellowship with Him wasn't anything like what I'd had in the past.

But something changed in early 1983. I lost interest in the church, dropped out of the program and became wildly promiscuous.

Then I heard about a new disease called AIDS. I realized that God could allow me to destroy myself. The thought sobered me but didn't stop my active sex life.

In early 1984, I happened to see an old friend on a Christian television program. He talked about his experience of backsliding and coming back to the Lord, and I really identified with his testimony.

I knew that something was missing in my relationship with God. "Lord," I prayed, "if I've been wrong about homosexuality, please let me know."

Instantly I felt a strong witness in my spirit. I knew I'd been wrong. Terribly wrong.

In the next few days, God opened my eyes to see the people I'd hurt: my wife, my lovers, my former congregants. For about four months, I cried every night at home. It was the only time in my life when I thought about killing myself.

I broke off contact with my gay friends, moved away from Long Beach and began attending my old church. A few of my old friends were still there, and welcomed me back. They invited me to join their softball team and pal around with them. I began experiencing a new depth of friendship with other men I'd never known before.

I also got into counseling with a professional Christian counselor. He gave me some excellent help.

During this time, I never thought about marriage, but assumed I'd be celibate for the rest of my life. But that was soon to change.

As the months passed, I met an attractive young lady named Renee several times in a short time period. We began getting to know one another, and I found out she'd been through a devastating divorce and was raising her three year old son alone.

I really admired Renee. She was working full-time, very active in the church, had a well-behaved little boy. Now there's one sharp woman who really loves God, I thought.

Unexpectedly, I began developing feelings for her: warm protective feelings. I wanted to be with her and touch her. I'd never had such feelings before in my life.

We began dating, and I quickly sensed that our relationship could become very serious. After our second date, I told her about my past homosexual involvement. "I've only been out a year," I told her. "Do you want us to keep seeing each other? I do, but it's up to you."

Renee didn't know much about homosexuality, but she wanted to continue the relationship. Our friendship blossomed, although there were some tough times to go through.

For example, when I got tested for AIDS, my results got held up, and I had to wait four months to hear back. During that time, I found out that two of the men I'd been involved with had AIDS. It was terrifying.

Renee stuck right with me. "Joe," she said reassuringly, "God didn't bring you this far to forsake you." She was such an encouragement. The results finally came back negative, and I got tested several times after that to make sure.

Two years later, Renee and I were married on August 8, 1987. Since then, God has continued the healing process in me. Besides my marriage, another miracle He's done is teaching me how to love other men. I used to be terrified of other guys; now I'm learning how to develop friendships in the proper way. So there are still areas of my life that God is healing. But the deception I used to embrace is gone. I know that I wasn't born gay, and that I'll never be satisfied with homosexual relationships.

My joy comes in being who God really created me to be-a heterosexual man, fulfilled in Him.

Joe Dallas is director of Genesis Counseling in Orange, Calif. He is also the author of three books: Desires in Conflict, Unforgiven Sins, and A Strong Delusion: Confronting the "Gay Christian" Movement.

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