Stonewall Revisted

I was devastated to find out about Damon's sexual involvement with other men. I began to pray, but I had little hope that he would ever change.

He had dated in high school and had been fairly serious with a girl until the threat of pregnancy had turned her family against him. He was forbidden to see her after that incident by the girl's father. Maybe that's one of the reasons he left, I thought. He's trying to forget his "lost love." Little did I know the real reason.

Damon had been gone a few months when I received a letter. It was long, about six pages. "I found someone that I care deeply about," he wrote, "and I'm in a relationship that is completely fulfilling." As I read further, my stomach lurched and I could hardly swallow as I read Damon's confession that this "relationship" involved another man. "I have had these strong feelings of attraction to men for as long as I can remember," he said, "and I've always tried to hide them."

Damon let me know that he didn't want to hurt me, but he was "coming out of the closet" and was going to live his life as he believed God meant him to. He didn't understand why he was born that way, but he was tired of fighting it.

"I hope that you can understand and eventually accept my way of life," he wrote. He said that he loved me and, if I loved him, I would have to find a way to deal with this reality. After all, he reasoned, a person's sexual orientation didn't change who they were inside, right?

I was completely devastated. I screamed, I ranted, I cried-all to my poor husband, Royal. "How could this have happened?" I cried. "Damon was good-looking and popular. He could have had any girl he wanted! Why on earth would he want a man?" I didn't have any answers. I felt like I was bleeding deep inside, and there was no way to stop the gaping wound in my soul.

Did this mean I would never see Damon married with a family? Would I have to endure holidays and family dinners with some limp-wristed man looking adoringly at Damon? I felt nauseated at the thoughts that whirled through my mind.

And what about the rest of the family? I had younger children who looked up to Damon. Would he influence them to become gay, too?

I also wondered how Darren, Damon's twin brother, would take this news. The thought made me shudder. I knew how opinionated Darren was on this subject. I had heard him often speak out against "queers." How was I going to handle this wisely?

We had always gone to church, so I knew exactly what their stand was on homosexuality. It was a sin-black and white, no gray areas. Such unnatural practices were wrong.

I needed time to digest this crisis and figure out the best way to cope with it. So, for the time being, I said nothing. Damon's letter was a well-kept secret between my husband and myself (Royal didn't seem that upset by this news; he thought it might be "a phase" that Damon would eventually outgrow).

As time went on, the family did find out. In a weak moment, one day when I was terribly depressed, I told my sister and mother. "No matter what he's done," Mom responded, "we love him and always will." Darren, on the other hand, reacted with bitterness. For a long time, he refused to even speak to Damon. Damon's father just said, "Well, I could have told you that was going to happen. You always did baby him." I was furious! I really needed to hear that right now, I fumed.

Finally I came to the conclusion that if I wanted any kind of normal relationship with Damon, I was going to have to accept this news. Not necessarily condone it, but learn to live with it, and see past the "gay" label to the real person. It wasn't easy, but the fact that Damon was living in another state was a mixed blessing. While I missed him, he wasn't right under my nose. He continued to call me regularly, sharing details of his life at school and work. He was more loving and respectful than ever, which made me realize that he was still my same sweet son-except for this new knowledge I had about his sexual preferences.

My youngest son, Alex, and I went to visit Damon in Dallas, where he was living at the time. I was hesitant about taking Alex, but he had a hero-worship of Damon and begged to go. We would be staying with Damon and his current love interest. This was going to be a real test. I prayed they wouldn't act "funny," as Alex had no idea that his older brother was gay.

This visit was a turning point for me. Both Damon and his friend were perfect gentlemen and treated us with love and respect. I felt relief and the old love surged strongly in me. I sensed a restlessness in Damon, as though he was still searching for something he had not yet attained.

Soon after my visit, I became good friends with our new pastor's wife, Sharon, and also became more involved with the church. I started teaching Sunday School and began experiencing a deeper relationship with God. I recommitted my life to Christ and started trying to live for Him.

Eventually I confided to Sharon about Damon. She gave me needed sympathy and a good shoulder to cry on. She never condemned Damon, but suggested that we put his name on our ongoing prayer list. I had prayed for Damon in the past, but not with a deep conviction that homosexuals could change. I believed the phrase, "Once gay, always gay"; I'd never heard anything to the contrary.

We started to pray for Damon to be healed of his homosexuality. We also prayed for God's healing in my own heart and life. I released the whole situation to the Lord. "It's too much of a burden for me to carry around," I prayed. "God, I need You to do Your work. My own efforts have been useless."

By this time, the risk of AIDS was increasing and I worried about this threat to Damon's health. Damon had assured me that he had been tested and was negative, and that he was careful in his relationships. I had to be content with that reassurance.

In 1991, Damon came home. During one of our talks, he confided that the fulfillment and happiness that he sought with other men just wasn't there anymore. He was emotionally drained and seriously considering getting some help for exiting the gay lifestyle. I was stunned and overjoyed! He had been in different relationships for 12 years. Could he just give it up? Was this an answer to my prayers-finally?

Damon told me about a Christian group called Exodus International, a network of ministries worldwide which are dedicated to helping men and women emerge from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ. He was going to a conference in Toronto, Canada, in a few weeks to check it out. I was thrilled, but also scared. Suppose it didn't work? By then, I was convinced this had to be an answer to prayer. Not only that, if Damon could be healed, it would be a miracle!

When Damon came back from the Exodus International conference, I could see an excitement, a new softness and a love for God that wasn't there before. He had a hunger of godly things. He had recommitted his life to Christ and made a vow of celibacy. I praised God for His goodness and mercy.

In 1992, I went with Damon to San Diego, California, for the annual Exodus conference. It was thrilling to see so many broken men and women re-establishing normal lives through God's grace and love. They were learning restoration through forgiveness. Torn lives were being mended, not in an instant, but as a process which occurred one day at a time.

At the conference, we learned about the residential men's program at Love In Action. Damon applied and was accepted. This year-long program involves men living together under the direction of a house leader. The men must be accountable while working on such issues as parental relationships, forgiving others who may have harmed or abused them, and relating normally to men and women. Most of all, the men submit themselves completely to Christ and let God do His healing work in them.

The men learn that homosexuality is not something a person is born with. It's an emotional deficit that begins early in life. The natural bonding with one or both parents is lacking, causing a child to grow up seeking same-sex affirmation through sexual acts.

It was difficult for me to face my own contributions to Damon's problems. Homosexuality in men often occurs in a family where there is a strong mother figure and a weak or absent father figure. I needed to face some of my own problems, even though I considered myself a good mother. I could see some of the damage inflicted, though unintentional. For example, Damon's father and I had a bitter divorce. I was a real mess, and relied on Damon to be "the man" of the house. Damon got to the point where he hated his Dad and I was glad because that meant he loved me more. Of course, now I can see how my behavior inflicted damage on Damon. I have confessed my sins to God and asked Damon's forgiveness.

Then came another devastating blow. During the Exodus week, Damon had enough courage to tell me that he was infected with the HIV virus. That was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to face. My heart felt torn into a thousand pieces. My son is dying! I thought as I cried on his shoulder. Then came feelings of anger. How could do this? You knew AIDS was out there. Why didn't you stop when you had that first test and it came back negative?

I was very confused. It was helpful to talk with Anita Worthen, another mother, that week at Exodus and get her perspective on my situation. What a lifesaver she was!

Since then, I've had times when I've been on an emotional roller- coaster. Sometimes I want to bring Damon back to Illinois so I can "mother" him, but I realize that's regressing back to old patterns.

I know that my precious son is in good hands. My great-est joy is knowing that when we both die, we will be to-gether for eternity. My prayer has been answered that the prodigal son has returned to serve his Father for as long as He wills it.

Homosexuality is a not a hopeless condition. There is restoration and forgiveness and healing through Jesus Christ. Today, Damon is wise beyond his years. I rejoice to see his growth and also his love for God. Most of all, I'm grateful to our loving Father, the One who lifted both of us from the depths of despair.

Chris MacKenzie and her family live in Rockford, Ill. Her son, Damon, graduated the 1994 LIA leadership training program. Copyright © 1994 by Chris MacKenzie. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307 , Memphis, TN 38175-3307.

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