HOW ABORTION AFFECTS MEN:
They Cry Alone
by Regis Walling
Introduction
A university psychology class was viewing a film showing prenatal development. Suddenly, a student, a young man, rushed from the room. The professor followed him and found him leaning against the wall in the corridor. He was sobbing. All he could say was "I didn't know it was a baby! I would never have paid for it if I had known a baby was there!"
The "it" for which he had paid was an abortion. His tears made it apparent that he, like his aborted child, was a victim of what had happened in a certain "reproductive clinic" weeks or months earlier. This incident is but one example of a general phenomenon that hardly anyone seems to have noticed, namely, that abortion, besides efficiently carrying out its assigned task of killing the baby, also, at the same time, victimizes the baby's father and others.
Perhaps it is not surprising that few have taken note of this. Only in recent years have we become aware of an even more obvious victim of abortion: the woman, the mother of the child. The evidence grows daily that she is, indeed, a casualty—that she is a real victim, along with her unborn baby, of this most unnatural procedure. We know that abortion affects different women in different ways. For some it's years before the extent of the harm is realized. The purpose of this pamphlet is to point out that much the same can be said of the aborted child's father.
The episode recounted above took place eleven years ago. What has happened to this young man since then? Do the tears still come at times, at least on the inside? When he sees a youngster about ten or eleven, does he wonder what his own son or daughter would have been like?
There are many such men among us. This pamphlet is for them and for those who love them. Somehow they have to come to grips with this very serious matter, whatever their degree of involvement in the abortion. They might well need help to do this. In general, society has forgotten them.
They Cry Alone
Who are they, these men who cry alone? Some are like the former seminarian who, when he left the seminary in the late sixties, had a hard time adjusting. When his girl friend became pregnant he pleaded in vain with her not to have an abortion. This man has had a major alcoholic problem ever since. Certainly he is a victim of abortion.
Others are like the character Brian Roberts (Michael York) in the film Cabaret. Though he wasn't sure if he was the father of the child Sally Bowles (Liza Minelli) was carrying, he tried hard to prevent the abortion. When it took place despite his protests, he could no longer stay with this woman who could and did destroy a life. He left her and, in the film, we hear no more about him.
Real life frequently imitates the movie. How often, after an abortion, does the male who was involved simply disappear? Sometimes this is by his own choice. Sometimes he is deliberately ignored because our society doesn't want to face any of the hard truths about abortion. It certainly doesn't want to add one more to the list of victims—first the innocent child, then the mother, and now the father.
The Abortion Decision and a Father's Rights
Law functions not only as a regulator but also as a teacher. With that in mind, it makes sense to ask: When the subject is abortion, what does the law of the land teach about the father of the unborn child? Very simply, that it denies him any rights to defend his child, he cannot say one word about the continued existence of his child in the womb. The Supreme Court's decision has literally stripped him of all his parental rights regarding his own flesh and blood during the first nine months of his baby's life. It is only at birth that the man's full rights (and obligations) return. Because the teaching power of the law is so strong, many people in our country now blithely accept this incredible violation of the most basic human right, the right not to have an unborn son or daughter killed.
Many men are outraged at this. However, there are men who are delighted with Roe v. Wade. Now they can pursue their pleasures without a thought about the consequences. When told of a pregnancy, they say to the woman, "That's your problem." Other men do even worse—they apply pressure on the woman, threatening to break off the relationship if she doesn't have the abortion. She must choose between the baby or the baby's father.
Misinformation and Confusion
Probably the majority of the men who have fathered an aborted child are neither totally pro-life nor totally pro-abortion. For various reasons they fit somewhere between the two poles. Many men are like the psychology student in the opening story. Misinformed about what abortion really is, they acted in ways they thought were supportive and caring. Perhaps they experienced a certain uneasiness regarding abortion but, lacking accurate information, they were not really capable of actively opposing it. Confused, they simply left the decision making to the woman. Many of them had no serious qualms of conscience at the time of the abortion. It did not become an issue until later, perhaps when they were awaiting the birth of another child. Then the reality of the earlier event came crashing down around them and they were shattered.
The force of the impact will depend on many different circumstances. One key question will be: What role did the man actually have in the abortion? If he opposed it, was it totally or only half-heartedly? Or did he encourage it? Perhaps he just departed from the scene as quickly as he could. Each one of these different actions profoundly affected the relationship. Almost certainly, the woman was left with a great deal of anger, probably most of it directed toward the man.
Before the abortion, what type of relationship did the two have and what happened afterward? Did they break up, or did they eventually get married? And if they were already married at the time or if they got married later, did they have other children, either before the abortion or later?
Abortion and Other Violence
This last point is critical because a person who has unresolved anger often reacts against an unsuspecting innocent third party. That means that the state is set for child abuse. Social workers and counselors need to be aware of this; they need to realize that abortion may be the unseen cause for many of the hurts, physical and psychological, which children have suffered.
Also, for the married couple, an added caution must be made. The fact that an abortion has taken place, even if it was years ago, greatly increases the likelihood that in the present relationship another violence may be introduced—this time in the form of spousal abuse. None of us tolerate guilt or shame very well. Sometimes we just bury it in our subconscious. Often that doesn't work, so we try to rid ourselves of the nagging guilt by laying it on someone else. In a troubled marriage there are a thousand opportunities to do this. Its expression won't be gentle. Much of the respect the two had for each other has now vanished. What will deflect the avalanche of abusive words or hold back the raised hand? Wherever unresolved guilt, shame, and/or anger are present in a household, the likelihood of violence toward one's spouse is as near as the next provocation.
The Need for Healing
What must the man do, then, if healing is to come about? First, he must admit to himself that he needs healing—that, wittingly or unwittingly, through his own fault or not, he has been seriously wounded by the abortion that took the life of his unborn son or daughter. He must become aware that it is because of that tragic event that he now has many hurts and angers churning around inside himself. These and other feelings will not go away by themselves. The sleepless nights, dreams, nightmares, undefined sadness, and unexplained physical pains are symptoms of the inner wound.
Often the healing begins when the tears come. Tears open our hearts and souls. Tears are also a most appropriate response to death and loss and to tragic personal failure. Every healthy person has cried his/her tears. At such a time no words are needed, but only the presence and embrace of a caring friend.
If he tried vigorously to stop the abortion, one of his strongest feelings is a sense of total powerlessness. While power can be misused, there is a proper and necessary power to which every human being is entitled. That is the power to protect the ones we love, to make the decisions which will enhance our lives and those of our families. If we ever had to watch while someone we love lay dying, then we know the great pain of powerlessness. It is this same pain which overwhelms a man who is unable to protect his child from the violent death of abortion.
On the other hand, if he is guilty of having encouraged, promoted, or forced the abortion to take place, then his most dominant feeling will be a profound sense of shame and guilt. Confronting shame can be a devastating experience, but it must be done. Self-loathing is not the answer. It is not the end of the story, thanks be to God!
Forgiveness
The history of the human race and our own experience tell us that good people sometimes do bad things just as occasionally as a bad person may do a good thing. One act or one phase of our life, no matter how evil, does not mean that our entire life must continue in that direction. Forgiveness is still possible. If a person doubts this, he can read the parable of the Forgiving Father (Luke 15:11-32). Jesus told this story for one reason—so we would understand that no matter how terrible our sin, our heavenly Father's love is even greater. Finally, the man who acknowledges his own sin can raise his eyes to the Crucifix and learn what true forgiveness is all about. The Son of God died so that his sin could be forgiven, so that a new start could be made.
Once a Father...
This new orientation of life will mean several things for the man: He will take full responsibility for his part in the abortion; he will be filled with gratitude for God's mercy; and he will know that he is not the same man he was before. He has fathered a child. He has a relationship with that child even though he will never hold that baby in his arms. In their book, Earth Father, Sky Father, Arthur and Libby Colman describe what has happened: "Whether or not the creator-father continues as parent in deed, his part in the creation of a new life signifies an elemental reality which no legal, social, or medical act (such as abortion) can truly alter. We feel that becoming a father can be life changing all by itself, even if the child is killed or dies in utero, even if the overt parenting responsibility is denied. It is the biological act which sets in motion the forces that will in time alter the consciousness, self-perception, and even attitude toward the outside world."
They are telling the man that, now that he has become a father, he will never again be a non-father. He is changed by this experience. How he handles it will determine if the change is for the better or is harmful to him, but deal with it he must.
Specialized Help
The man who has experienced abortion may have difficulty finding someone with whom he can talk. The Colmans explain that "Since therapeutic abortions are generally performed before the fetus...can be felt or seen, few people acknowledge the act as the death of child. Even fewer think abortion has any powerful meaning to the father... The effect of abortion on a prospective father is overlooked and even denied by professionals, both in the literature and in many counseling agencies." Certainly those agencies and counselors who support and encourage abortion will not want to admit that it is not the insignificant event they say it is.
Fortunately, pro-life counseling centers have reading materials and understanding persons who can help. ... What is important is that the man finds someone who will help him to deal with the real issues.
Guilt and Regret
One of these real issues is guilt. A man may realize that God has indeed forgiven him but he still experiences a very strong feeling of guilt. Perhaps his most difficult task is to forgive himself. There are several ways in which a counselor can help him do this.
One approach would be to point out the difference between guilt and regret. Whenever we do something wrong we should feel guilty, we should repent of the evil, and do what we can to atone. After this has been done to the best of our abilities, that is, when the guilt has been resolved, there will still be painful memories of what happened. That is what we are calling regret. These feelings of sorrow can be very useful. We recognize that the child cannot be brought back to life. The abortion cannot be undone. It is clear that sorrow for it can stay with us for a lifetime. However, we repeat, these feelings can be very useful.
The following example may be helpful. A man who has had to put an aging parent in a nursing home often has negative feelings. There is no reason to feel guilty, but he definitely might feel regret. The memory of the feelings in this situation can help him to understand the pain which others experience in a similar situation. His regret has taught him a great deal. So, too, the regret after an abortion can help him to be sympathetic to others who are struggling with the question of a crisis pregnancy. His regret can give him the courage to act and speak for the defense of life; it can help him to find new beauty and appreciation in others and in the marvelous world in which we live.
From Regret to Inner Peace
As the father of the aborted child rebuilds his life, he will find that, in time, the sharpness of the pain will lessen to a dull ache. It will be a reminder of what happened but it will not cripple him in his daily living.
Here are some practical suggestions:
Other Victims
In this pamphlet we have concentrated on the man who fathered the aborted child, how he was a victim of abortion along with his son or daughter. However, there are other males who belong on the abortion "hit list," at least in some sense. One is the father of the girl who had the abortion. His natural parental rights over his daughter—if she is a minor—have been completely scorned by the Supreme Court's decision. When his daughter was a young girl his (or his wife's) permission had to be obtained before she could have her ears pierced. Now she can have the violent operation called "legal abortion" done to her, and he does not even have the right to be notified about it. It goes without saying that he can do nothing about the destruction of his grandchild.
There is also another reality. Sometimes, sad to say, the girl's father is the main reason why she had the abortion. Often terrified by her father's anticipated reaction, a young, confused girl can feel that there is no other solution than abortion. We can be sure that it will not end there. No, another victim of the abortion will be the father-daughter relationship. How many of these sensitive relationships have suffered permanent shipwreck because of the coercion the man exerted on his daughter at this critical time in her life? Even in those tragic extreme cases where pregnancy resulted from incest, abortion is still not the solution. If that is what her father makes her do, then the poor girl, already violated by rape-incest, will find her righteous anger doubled. Deep down she will know that the abortion was just one more terrible act of violence against her.
Victims or Victimizers?
Another group of men destroyed by abortion are the abortionists themselves. We usually see them as the victimizers rather than the victims. In her book, Women Exploited, the Other Victims of Abortion, Paula Ervin quotes one "doctor" who said that he could keep on doing abortions as long as he thought of the woman as ‘an animal.'" We wonder if, subconsciously, he felt he was a "hunter" or a "butcher."
Certainly the medical profession itself, with its traditionally lofty ideal of healing, of alleviating suffering, and of doing wondrous things to enhance life, has been severely wounded by the whole abortion mystique. How can a person whose whole training had been geared to fostering life continue to wield the bloody instruments of death? Of the thousands of abortionists, a handful of doctors have eventually come to realize that they were destroying what they had sworn to preserve. Oftentimes this realization brings about a complete turnaround.
One example is Doctor Bernard Nathanson. At one time he was in charge of the largest abortion clinic in the Western world and had personally performed 6,000 abortions. He is now an active pro-life advocate. His video, The Silent Scream, is making thousands of people aware what is really happening in all those "reproductive clinics" throughout the country. Doctor Nathanson has released a sequel, Eclipse of Reason, which he describes as even "more compelling."
Conclusion
Abortion has done its devastating work. We face an epidemic of victimized men and women. Thankfully, forgiveness and healing are still possible. The realization of profound failure and sin may be a turning point to a new life. King David, tax collectors Zacchaeus and Matthew, Peter, who denied Jesus three times, and Paul, who ferociously killed the early Christians, Saint Augustine and Saint Ignatius of Loyola—all of these men discovered that what looks like a dead-end to us can be a beginning for God.
The prophet Isaiah gives a word of hope to everyone who must begin again:
But now, thus says Yahweh...
Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name, you are mine.
Do not be afraid for I am with you.
No need to recall the past, no need to think about what was done before.
See, I am doing a new deed, even now it comes to light; can you not see it?
Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
(Isaiah 43:1, 5, 18-19)