"Can You Suggest Reasons Why I Am a Lesbian?'"

I just read Kerby Anderson's article on Homosexual Theology. Very well written, although I do disagree on some points. I consider myself homosexual. I am a 36 year-old female. As far back as I can remember, from the age of 2 or 3, I've have "felt" like a boy. This goes beyond just same-sex attractions. It goes into wanting to play army and trucks as a child, rather than play with dolls and, eventually, being sexually attracted to females (even in grade school), rather than males. For me, as I can only speak for myself, it is not all about sex. I would rather share my life with a female, even if we never had sex. I want the same thing I assume most heterosexuals want; a home, family, decent job, vacation time, and hope for a healthy, happy future.

I guess my question for you is, what do you think caused my homosexuality? I grew up in the "All-American Family." Stay at home mom, dad who always worked, middle-class, church on Sundays. I am the youngest of three, and the only girl. I was always encouraged to act and dress like a female by my parents. I had no doubt about my parents love for me and felt very secure and safe in my environment. I grew up about as "normal" as anyone can in American. So, can you shed any light? Thanks, ________  

Dear _______,

Kerby Anderson forwarded your e-mail to me because I am very familiar with the homosexuality issue.

The difficulty in trying to explain the foundations for another person's same gender attraction is always increased when we are only given selective details. What you wrote to Kerby isn't your whole story, and you couldn't possibly be able to GIVE your whole story, especially when the most important parts are what happened inside your head and heart.

One of the things we have discovered over the past several years is that the contributing factors to homosexuality include not only events (such as sexual abuse) and relationships (especially with parents), but how a child PERCEIVES events and relationships. For example, dads can show and tell their love in one way, but if his son or daughter doesn't hear it or see it, s/he can feel unloved even though the love was there. Parents can feel that they are accepting their children, but sometimes the kids don't feel that acceptance. And that makes sense, since we are all broken people living in a fallen world, and sometimes our "love receptors" are broken just like a radio can be broken and not receive the radio waves that would translate into sound if it weren't broken.

There is an intriguing detail you DID include, which was being sexually attracted to females, even in grade school. Emotionally healthy children do not experience sexual attraction until adolescence. (Kids sometimes develop crushes on other kids, but it's an intense emotional attraction, not a sexual attraction.) Becoming sexual at an early age isn't normal; all the examples I ever heard of were the result of sexual exposure (which is actually sexual abuse) at an early age.

So I would suggest there are parts to your story--your true relationship with your parents, possible experiences you don't mention--that are a big part of what you have experienced. Having boy-like interests at an early age, in and of itself, doesn't say that anything was wrong; there is a wide spectrum of what it means to be a female, just as there is a wide spectrum of what it means to be male. And that, I believe, is by divine design, because God is delighted to make people with great variety. But that doesn't mean He gave you same-gender attraction, and it doesn't mean He made you gay. It means something happened, even if you don't know what it is. Homosexuality is really about gender confusion, and something interfered with you embracing your femininity if you have closed yourself off from wanting intimate relationships with men.

I hope this helps.

Most respectfully,

Sue Bohlin
Probe Ministries  

Dear Sue,

Thankx for your reply. I misled you when I said I was sexually attracted to females in grade school. My mistake. That is not what I meant. It was more of a crush, like what you spoke of. I had no idea at that age what sex was, I just knew that I had the normal first puppy-love crushes on girls instead of boys. I wasn't real clear on what you were telling me. Do you think I'm am purposefully trying to not tell you everything? Or that I've suppressed something and don't remember? I was never sexually abused as a child. I know my parents loved me. We were not an outwardly expressive family, but their love for me is not questioned. My Dad passed away four years ago, but my Mom is still alive and one of my best friends, as well as an excellent Mother. A woman who would do anything for me. Please don't suggest things that are not there. If you don't have an answer for me, that's okay. For your information, if it helps, I do not want to be homosexual. This isn't because I necessarily think it is wrong, it is just extremely difficult to be homosexual in our culture of condemnation. If you could offer me a pill that would make me heterosexual, I would take it in a heartbeat. Thanks for your time, ________  

Hi ________,

Thanks so much for writing back! I was hoping to be able to give you further information but wasn't sure if you were content in your homosexuality or not, if you'd welcome some resources or not. So I'm very glad to hear from you.

I think it's possible you may have experienced some abuse and don't remember it. Exodus International, the umbrella organization over many of the ex-gay ministries, say that 85-90% of the women who call them have a history of some kind of abuse at some point in their developmental years. It does seem to be one of the most major indicators for women who experience SGA (same gender attraction).

I am certainly not trying to do a "Karmac the Magician" number on you. It sounds like you were wonderfully blessed with terrific parents, and I thank the Lord along with you for them! I just wonder if something else happened somewhere along the line.

The most important thing, though, is that you don't HAVE to be a homosexual. It takes a lot of hard work, and it's a painful process to go back and discover the roots of lesbianism, but there is help. Since you have internet access, may I encourage you to visit a couple of websites? Exodus International is the umbrella organization for groups helping people leave homosexuality, and they have lots of resources: www.exodusnorthamerica.org. Living Hope Ministries' website (www.livehope.org) has online forums for those seeking support as they walk out of the gay lifestyle. There is an absolutely awesome online community for JUST women with marvelous, warm, loving, helpful people in there. In fact, several of the Exodus people have said that Living Hope probably has one of the best ministries for women and for youth in the world. There are also message boards for men and for families/friends.

I've been involved in ex-gay ministry for several years, so I've done a lot of research. Here's a new article on our website I wrote called "Can Homosexuals Change?"; it may be of help to you. If not, you know where the delete key is! [grin]

God bless you.